I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
