What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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