Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
