i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize