Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
