theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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