i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
