I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
