I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
