Texts From Last Night · Caramell's Favorites

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Caramell's Favorites Texts:

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza

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(775): View more from Nevada

I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed

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(248): View more from Michigan

How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You just get me

(443): View more from Maryland

I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.

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(716): View more from New York

I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college

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(925): View more from California

He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"

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(778): View more from British Columbia

He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.

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(904): View more from Florida

Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad

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(317): View more from Indiana

She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave

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(347): View more from New York

I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.

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(727): View more from Florida

So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk

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(541): View more from Oregon

I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.

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(207): View more from Maine

I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.

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(361): View more from Texas

You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.

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(315): View more from New York

He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...

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(618): View more from Illinois

hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.

Fav 6 873 384
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(210): View more from Texas

Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.

Fav 3 958 393
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(316): View more from Kansas

I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood

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(208): View more from Idaho

You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.

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(518): View more from New York

But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?

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(734): View more from Michigan

I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices

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(850): View more from Florida

Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?

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(248): View more from Michigan

We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.

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(925): View more from California

But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him

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(305): View more from Florida

Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."

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(614): View more from Ohio

I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair

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(727): View more from Florida

Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love

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(443): View more from Maryland

I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.

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(671): View more from Guam

I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same

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(309): View more from Illinois

His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.

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(937): View more from Ohio

She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?

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(785): View more from Kansas

Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?

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(205): View more from Alabama

You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family

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(770): View more from Georgia

Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch

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(541): View more from Oregon

I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?

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(248): View more from Michigan

this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental

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(540): View more from Virginia

Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!

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(309): View more from Illinois

Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?

(1-506): View more from New Brunswick

Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to

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(316): View more from Kansas

I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.

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(678): View more from Georgia

So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in

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(416): View more from Toronto

Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Why are we so great

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing

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(248): View more from Michigan

I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"

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(706): View more from Georgia

My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...

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(279): View more from

Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?

(574): View more from Indiana

You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you

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(407): View more from Florida

You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.

(404): View more from Georgia

STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!

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(404): View more from Georgia

i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me

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(914): View more from New York

Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.

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(416): View more from Toronto

So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.

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(406): View more from Montana

He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS

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(347): View more from New York

I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that

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(813): View more from Florida

oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?

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(503): View more from Oregon

The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."

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(440): View more from Ohio

I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!

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(317): View more from Indiana

I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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(917): View more from New York City

She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.

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(226): View more from Ontario

I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.

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(209): View more from California

Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!

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(703): View more from Virginia

I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack

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(718): View more from New York

Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.

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(410): View more from Maryland

The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.

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(773): View more from Illinois

No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan

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(805): View more from California

I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you

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(228): View more from Mississippi

HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID

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(512): View more from Texas

You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.

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(519): View more from Ontario

How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Not very gracefully, that's how.

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(940): View more from Texas

I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

My left boob kept making random appearances last night.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.

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(585): View more from New York

He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus

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(416): View more from Toronto

I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous

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(831): View more from California

I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!

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(404): View more from Georgia

First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.

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(954): View more from Florida

Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away

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(419): View more from Ohio

do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha

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(330): View more from Ohio

If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.

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(705): View more from Ontario

We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."

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(970): View more from Colorado

Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper

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(779): View more from Illinois

I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.

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(406): View more from Montana

I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?

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(+35): View more from

I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.

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(517): View more from Michigan

My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....

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(+35): View more from

I just look at my butt and see so much potential.

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(518): View more from New York

No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm fucked.

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(407): View more from Florida

How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore

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(773): View more from Illinois

And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.

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(802): View more from Vermont

as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment

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(903): View more from Texas

I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy

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(289): View more from Ontario

Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about

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(907): View more from Alaska

I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.

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