Texts From Last Night · ShawnTizzle18's Favorites

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ShawnTizzle18's Favorites Texts:

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(203): View more from Connecticut

That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...

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(415): View more from California

Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.

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(907): View more from Alaska

He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.

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(614): View more from Ohio

It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.

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(206): View more from Washington

I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.

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(254): View more from Texas

It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade

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(805): View more from California

I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.

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(805): View more from California

I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.

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(316): View more from Kansas

The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.

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(404): View more from Georgia

YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!

(678): View more from Georgia

correction: escorted out

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(416): View more from Toronto

Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.

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(562): View more from California

she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend

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(417): View more from Missouri

Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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(804): View more from Virginia

Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.

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(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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(970): View more from Colorado

i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.

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(727): View more from Florida

i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.

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(619): View more from California

If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho

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(208): View more from Idaho

Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl

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(319): View more from Iowa

He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle

(648): View more from

Since when is drunk an angle?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.

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(515): View more from Iowa

the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok

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(303): View more from Colorado

My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.

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(954): View more from Florida

I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.

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(415): View more from California

they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..

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(618): View more from Illinois

Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(989): View more from Michigan

in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why

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(847): View more from Illinois

there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check

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(510): View more from California

just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?

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(519): View more from Ontario

DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.

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(310): View more from California

The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.

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(281): View more from Texas

My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(716): View more from New York

your facebook page is a work of drunk art.

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(713): View more from Texas

Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?

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(727): View more from Florida

He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.

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(248): View more from Michigan

about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.

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(315): View more from New York

when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'

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(631): View more from New York

He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.

(205): View more from Alabama

I hate freshman.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.

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(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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(765): View more from Indiana

He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.

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(212): View more from New York

He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message

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(303): View more from Colorado

Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(850): View more from Florida

We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.

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(813): View more from Florida

His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.

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(408): View more from California

that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it

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(607): View more from New York

no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.

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(315): View more from New York

careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

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(708): View more from Illinois

Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?

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(281): View more from Texas

Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?

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(720): View more from Colorado

i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.

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(703): View more from Virginia

keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.

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(714): View more from California

no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you

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(419): View more from Ohio

Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...

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(316): View more from Kansas

So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses

(1-316): View more from Kansas

That sounds dangerous

(316): View more from Kansas

Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(310): View more from California

She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.

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(650): View more from California

I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working

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(418): View more from Quebec

I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.

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(913): View more from Kansas

No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.

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(515): View more from Iowa

at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.

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(954): View more from Florida

We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.

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(253): View more from Washington

Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?

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(702): View more from Nevada

She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(561): View more from Florida

His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon

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(443): View more from Maryland

Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?

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(573): View more from Missouri

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?

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(509): View more from Washington

You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.

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(804): View more from Virginia

My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.

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(206): View more from Washington

Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.

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(415): View more from California

You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.

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(970): View more from Colorado

There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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(815): View more from Illinois

We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(775): View more from Nevada

You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.

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(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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(480): View more from Arizona

New game: find the sober person in Tbell

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(517): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.

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(916): View more from California

So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.

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(805): View more from California

my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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ShawnTizzle18's Favorites Texts:

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