Texts From Last Night · lindsay6689's Favorites

lindsay6689's Favorites Texts:

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(573): View more from Missouri

I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.

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(716): View more from New York

definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

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(786): View more from Florida

If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok

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(231): View more from Michigan

Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants

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(613): View more from Ontario

you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.

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(817): View more from Texas

Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.

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(415): View more from California

I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go

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(647): View more from Ontario

i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.

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(614): View more from Ohio

TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG

(1-614): View more from Ohio

HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It turns out my teeth are bleeding.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.

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(514): View more from Quebec

I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.

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(817): View more from Texas

I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.

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(716): View more from New York

this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon

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(607): View more from New York

I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now

(315): View more from New York

I see you're taking unemployment seriously.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.

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(805): View more from California

No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.

(1-740): View more from Ohio

When in doubt always reply with bacon.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

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(315): View more from New York

I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit

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(662): View more from Mississippi

What if our hands were octopus tentacles?

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

You're an idiot.

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(904): View more from Florida

He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.

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(309): View more from Illinois

You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.

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(734): View more from Michigan

we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

(248): View more from Michigan

...that shit cray.

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(916): View more from California

I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(

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(708): View more from Illinois

you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing

(502): View more from Kentucky

Sidenote...no idea how to salsa

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(936): View more from Texas

You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you found the shrooms didnt you

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"

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(406): View more from Montana

Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.

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(207): View more from Maine

She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight

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(707): View more from California

I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.

(1-707): View more from California

Put down the everclear and go to bed.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(817): View more from Texas

Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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(207): View more from Maine

Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga

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(646): View more from New York

congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism

(917): View more from New York City

cool. same. I'm in class drinking

(646): View more from New York

NOT OKAY

(917): View more from New York City

sorry for partying

(646): View more from New York

THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS

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(586): View more from Michigan

If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption

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(818): View more from California

She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"

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(513): View more from Ohio

Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word

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(302): View more from Delaware

the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark

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(804): View more from Virginia

Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.

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(415): View more from California

You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(410): View more from Maryland

The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick

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(248): View more from Michigan

He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.

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(510): View more from California

I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.

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(586): View more from Michigan

on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....

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(406): View more from Montana

you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog

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(702): View more from Nevada

Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?

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(760): View more from California

if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel

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(914): View more from New York

I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out

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(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

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(348): View more from

Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...

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(512): View more from Texas

I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.

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(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(954): View more from Florida

I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.

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(619): View more from California

i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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(713): View more from Texas

on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR

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(802): View more from Vermont

Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired

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(330): View more from Ohio

How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?

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(703): View more from Virginia

i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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(845): View more from New York

You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

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(347): View more from New York

we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy

(203): View more from Connecticut

go home

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious

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(270): View more from Kentucky

T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

I'm jealous

(270): View more from Kentucky

My throat feels like a candle.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(505): View more from New Mexico

There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

(913): View more from Kansas

Nobody is perfect

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(817): View more from Texas

matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.

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(517): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

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(775): View more from Nevada

Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

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(830): View more from Texas

Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.

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(914): View more from New York

Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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(641): View more from Iowa

FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER

(1-641): View more from Iowa

STOP listening to that song

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.

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(561): View more from Florida

I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog

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(646): View more from New York

Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?

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(347): View more from New York

I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.

(773): View more from Illinois

Stop texting me, I'm right here.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(989): View more from Michigan

I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(217): View more from Illinois

You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(613): View more from Ontario

The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.

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(518): View more from New York

I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer

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(415): View more from California

And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

bl l w

(201): View more from New Jersey

this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk

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(408): View more from California

booty call

(925): View more from California

i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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