Texts From Last Night · soundsaboutright's Favorites

soundsaboutright's Favorites Texts:

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(503): View more from Oregon

My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.

(503): View more from Oregon

I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.

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(678): View more from Georgia

If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.

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(+61): View more from Australia

So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens

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(540): View more from Virginia

I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice

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(303): View more from Colorado

it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song

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(818): View more from California

Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike

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(707): View more from California

I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm

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(907): View more from Alaska

I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit

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(631): View more from New York

So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman

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(616): View more from Michigan

do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila

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(812): View more from Indiana

god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed

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(712): View more from Iowa

When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot

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(443): View more from Maryland

I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Drugs are gluten free tho, right?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants

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(315): View more from New York

My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....

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(602): View more from Arizona

Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You're the common denominator of my blackouts.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

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(313): View more from Michigan

So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.

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(614): View more from Ohio

If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now

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(970): View more from Colorado

Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.

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(628): View more from California

i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm watching ellen!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough

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(305): View more from Florida

He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.

(1-305): View more from Florida

Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away

(781): View more from Massachusetts

i think i might be a female sloth

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(813): View more from Florida

I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame

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(940): View more from Texas

Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..

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(312): View more from Illinois

Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.

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(314): View more from Missouri

"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML

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(662): View more from Mississippi

The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all

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(636): View more from Missouri

2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?

(314): View more from Missouri

Please tell me those aren't related.

(636): View more from Missouri

I made rice.

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(586): View more from Michigan

He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.

(248): View more from Michigan

Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.

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(773): View more from Illinois

And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

That's my new pick up line call me a polish name

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(757): View more from Virginia

You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good

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(616): View more from Michigan

I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.

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(312): View more from Illinois

he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?

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(650): View more from California

Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup

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(303): View more from Colorado

Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.

(256): View more from Alabama

They have marijuana tests too!

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.

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(618): View more from Illinois

If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life

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(623): View more from Arizona

It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station

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(214): View more from Texas

Nothing says love like couples STD testing

(972): View more from Texas

Nothing says breakup like the results

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(706): View more from Georgia

I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.

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(317): View more from Indiana

There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell

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(316): View more from Kansas

She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.

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(415): View more from California

I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.

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(298): View more from

The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.

(208): View more from Idaho

You're the only meteorologist I listen to.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't you gay?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME

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(616): View more from Michigan

if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore

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(416): View more from Toronto

arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?

(647): View more from Ontario

Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.

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(480): View more from Arizona

My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"

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(480): View more from Arizona

I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.

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(469): View more from Texas

I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?

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(678): View more from Georgia

Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

That is awesome that you did that.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me

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(561): View more from Florida

Woke up in time for my 8:15

(518): View more from New York

Good for you I'm impressed

(561): View more from Florida

I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester

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(208): View more from Idaho

Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.

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(562): View more from California

It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.

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(310): View more from California

What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.

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(614): View more from Ohio

telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?

(256): View more from Alabama

absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment

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(469): View more from Texas

So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.

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(802): View more from Vermont

he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife

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(989): View more from Michigan

there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere

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(586): View more from Michigan

I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!

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(502): View more from Kentucky

we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying

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(519): View more from Ontario

The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(250): View more from British Columbia

How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?

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(559): View more from California

can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.

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(917): View more from New York City

level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans

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(727): View more from Florida

all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u

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(406): View more from Montana

I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.

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(917): View more from New York City

Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?

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(905): View more from Toronto

Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...

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(614): View more from Ohio

We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina

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(813): View more from Florida

The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.

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(408): View more from California

You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt

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(312): View more from Illinois

Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.

(312): View more from Illinois

Denial, avoidance and beer.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.

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(845): View more from New York

I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...

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(516): View more from New York

Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

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(248): View more from Michigan

spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?

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(406): View more from Montana

Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.

(1-406): View more from Montana

Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.

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(360): View more from Washington

ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.

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(518): View more from New York

The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.

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(646): View more from New York

Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls

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(810): View more from Michigan

hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list

(989): View more from Michigan

haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters

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(317): View more from Indiana

I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.

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(406): View more from Montana

i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood

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(509): View more from Washington

I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'

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(912): View more from Georgia

Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(352): View more from Florida

My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.

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(804): View more from Virginia

If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..

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(708): View more from Illinois

I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits

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