Last Night in Houston, Texas (832)

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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.

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• (336): View more from North Carolina

  Did you get good sleep?

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  So yes.

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• (713): View more from Texas

  Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.

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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I won.

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• (336): View more from North Carolina

  Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.

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• (713): View more from Texas

  Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.

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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...

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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....

  (713): View more from Texas

  You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.

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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina

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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone

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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.

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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'

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• (281): View more from Texas

  I am a taco. I am also really high.

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.

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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry

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