Last Night in California (530)

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• (530): View more from California

  Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.

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• (530): View more from California

  Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.

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• (530): View more from California

  as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts

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• (530): View more from California

  FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood

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• (530): View more from California

  I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?

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• (530): View more from California

  He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.

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• (530): View more from California

  im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer

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• (530): View more from California

  I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "

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• (530): View more from California

  Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?

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• (530): View more from California

  I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.

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• (530): View more from California

  It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.

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• (530): View more from California

  so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.

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• (530): View more from California

  Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa

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• (530): View more from California

  hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back

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