There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Send us your Text From Last Night!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
