When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize