Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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