Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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