fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
