the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
