Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
