shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
