if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Shame - the story of my life.
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