I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
