gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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