Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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