I'm lost and stupid without you.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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