he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
