she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
