Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
