Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
