Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
