Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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