I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
