i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize