Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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