I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
