you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
