this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
how does that bad decision feel?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
