sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
