Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
