I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
