I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
