Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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