his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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