She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
