You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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