Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
