I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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