while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
