I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
