the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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