bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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