We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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