Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
