How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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