I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
