if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
