Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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